[ moos ] you guys are fantastic. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> july 11th, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the dilley show with jon stewart -- the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the show. my name is jon stewart. boom! we got a good one for you tonight. tonight's guest, dennis leary will be joining us on the program. (cheers and applause) >> jon: monday denis leary,

thursday sergeant first class leroy petry who is going to be receiving the medal of honor, one of the only living members of the military to receive it since the vietnam war, leary on monday, maeld of honor winner on thursday. it will be, the largest character gap we have ever had. (laughter) >> between guests. denis was wondering how i was going to get him today. anyway, took last week off. and had a great vacation. went away completely unplugged. no news, no tv, threw my cell phone in the ocean which caused some problems later but at the time felt pretty great. so let's plug back in, what i did miss? >> the president is worrying that we have just nine days to raise the debt ceiling or risk default. >> the numbers of jobs created last month, just 18,000, that's 100,000 fewer than expected. >> investigators say 80% of atlanta schools cheated on

state standardized tests. >> jon: welcome back. 80%, or i guess as it is known in atlanta, an a! perhaps no sound bite better summed up, though, the more as that we now find ourselves in more than this one. >> hollywood holding nothing back. ashton kutcher tweeting oj simpson finds this verdict outrage us. -- outrageous. >> hollywood not holding back. i don't want to say anything but isn't limiting yourself to 140 characters the definition of holding back? or is that the extent of the feeling. ashton really wasn't holding back wouldn't we have a link to his tomb beller this is the week we celebrated america's 235th birthday. broke, unemployed shall, endlessly deployed. >> jon, jon, jon, you're hurting. i know that.

>> jon: wow!, john oliver, how did you get here? >> jon, i got here the way the british people who bring comfort have traveled for hundreds of years. a magic cloak and umbrella. that is how i got here. (applause) >> how do i get here every day. >> jon: yeah. i guess you saw, i was away for a week, i come back. the news is just bleak and i'm in a bad way. >> i saw that. corruption of your national institutions have got enyou don't, haven't they, chappy? >> jon: only a trusted friend could through perhaps a comparative back and forth put my troubles in perspective. i think that would be -- >> have no fear ♪ ♪ england's here ♪ to make you feel ♪ a ittle etter ♪. >> jon: what, what just happened to your con son ants. >> we took them hem when we're elping eople.

>> jon: that's charming. i think are you in own your head, quite frankly. we have real trouble in this country. >> right, jon, what would england know about a dying empire with rotting institutions. well, let me present you with exhibit a, jon, this is the british tabloid news of the world. 168 years old and at their peak they sold 8 million copies a week. and remember, that's in a nation whose population is only 5 million people. >> jon: actually england i don't think that -- >> that's not the point, jon. the point is as of yesterday it's owner rupert murdoch himself 166 years old, shut it down in disgrace. >> jon: i actually don't think murdoch is -- >> again, that's not the point. >> jon: all right (laughter) >> the point is, do you know how hard it is to disgrace a british tabloid, jon? the news of the world are the people who hired a

private dect tough learn if freddie mercury had hiv, it's true. also the people whose crusade against peta files led to a lynch mob attack. and attacks on the home of a pediatrician. >> jon: well, i could see how you could make that mistake, peta file, pediatrician. so wonderful, your tabloid reporters are scum bags. our real press, our legitimate press is talling down on the job. political coverage is atrocious. they weren't just covering the casey anthony trial. they funded it, look at this. >> the anthony family is paying for casey's defense. in part, her lawyer says, with money from licensing home videos and family photos to abc news and other media outlets. >> what we believe is a $200,000 payment that was made to her and her attorney by abc news when this first broke. >> jon: abc news, $200,000. and that was apparently only after she turned down abc's offer to be their next

bachelorette. so that is where we're at. what did news of the world do? >> well, compared to that, i guess, i guess not much, jon. >> jon: right. >> jon, this. >> the paper hacked voice-mail of the families of britain's soldiers killed in iraq and afghanistan. >> jon: wow!, why would they even -- >> i don't know, jon, perhaps the same reason they also did this. >> staffers with the now-defunct nuptially tried to hack into the phone of 9/11 victims. >> jon: suddenly we're on a game show. pretty [bleep] depressing. >> it's very depressing. >> jon: why would they need the details of victims of 9/11. >> well, neighbor might sell one or two extra papers, jon. but the real cherry on this [bleep] sunday was the case of poor milly dowler, a missing 13-year-old girl

that had britain riveted. >> during the period of time when she was missing the news of the world were using a private investigater to listen her voice-mail. >> jon: to help in the search for the -- >> maybe, maybe, jon, but just to be sure, let's check. >> the voice-mail box of milly's phone filled up. the news of the world were hungry for more information for more stories so they intervened and deleted the messages. >> jon: i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. >> but let's be fair to them, jon, no harm, no foul, right? >> they intervened and deleted the messages. >> that gave her family and police hope that she was alive. milly was later found murdered. >> jon: why didn't the police -- >> the police that is a good question. why didn't scotland yard stop them. maybe it had something to do with this. >> routinely, the news of the world was paying at least some police officers at scotland yard. [bleep], [bleep].

>> yeah. >> jon: oh jesus. >> jon, do you want a snack taver doodle. they're very bland. >> jon: can't your prime minister or anybody -- >> the prime minister, the prime minister, is that what you are talking about, david cameron, the prime minister. >> jon: yes. >> leader of new england. >> jon: right. >> a funny story about him, jon. the former editor of the news of the world, andy coulson, the one who preside at the paper, some of its most egregious hacking scan will das and resigned in disgrace was hired by none other than than, wait for it, you're going to love it. >> jon: no, no, no dot. >> yes, david cam'ron. >> jon: no, [bleep] oh my god, my balls just crawled back up into my body. >> oh, god! >> jon: why would they do that? oh, you people are gar badge. >> yes, yes! yes, we are. >> jon: are you terrible people. >> yes! an jon, the truth is, it

only ended now for the brave ree of one person. >> jon: who? who is this most brave and valiant brit who? >> well, this individual, jon, went undercover wearing a wire. >> jon: incredible. who is the most virtuous person in all of england. >> i'm about to give you a shouting fraudergasm. jon, may i, jon, may i present to you the hero of the story. >> hugh grant was the celebrity victim of the phone hacking and he even wears a wire to secretly tape a conversation -- wear a wire with a conversation with a former news of the world journalist who admitted to hacking's people's phones. >> that's right, the guy who got car head from an l.a. rose prostitute is now the moral compass of my nation. (laughter) so let me ask you this.

let me just ask you this, jon. do you feel any better about america yet? (laughter) >> jon: you know what is weird. >> what. >> jon: i actually do. >> that's good. >> jon: i feel kind of good now. >> and that means that my work here is done. >> jon: you're not buying, you're just walking on my desk. we'll be right back. you're not crying.

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>> jon: there are some wars, there are some wars so grisly and heartbreaking that nobody wants to talk about them. >> birds all over america are dying. baffling scientists. but now george ep fenway of the american bird conservancy thinks the reason could be in our own backyards. >> cats. >> cats? >> yes, cats kill hundreds of millions of birds. >> is this why birds are so angry? (laughter) >> i think actually the majority of birds are actually more fearful of cats because cats are superpridd ters, especially when it comes to birds.

>> so i reached out to the cats. but they would only speak to me through their moneyed lobbyist. >> cats are part. ecosystem and they are not the real threat. there is pollution, there's urban sprawl, there's development, and there are other birds that kill birds. >> so there's bird on bird violence. >> absolutely. >> there is some bird on bird violence, hawks kill birds, things like that. but that's natural. those relationships between different kinds of birds have evolved over a millennia where cats are not native to the united states so cats are like immigrants. cats are definitely immigrants. >> immigrants who are more than happy to lie around and take handouts when they are not committing crimes. >> they made their home here and that's something that has to be accepted. >> if you own a cat, keep it indoors. unowned cats need to be

captured and removed from the environment. >> they were stirring arguments. but one thing still troubled me. >> why do we care about birds again? >> we care about birds because they're good for us. >> do we really need hundreds of millions of more birds. >> yes. >> have you ever been to new york city. that place is covered in bird [bleep]. >> but for people like lala wilds who loves cats and bird approximates, this intractable war has been devastating. >> you know, if i had to make a sophie's choice of cats or birds, i am going to have to take cats. >> you know sophie's choice, i think originally that's what it was about, to choose between a cat and a bird. >> fortunately it doesn't have to come to that. there was help in the form of animal planet's cat whisperer jackson gal axy. >> we could start directing that impulse towards more appropriate victims, you know, like toys.

>> okay. >> now we have two types of toys, right this is what we would call an interactive toy. look at that, see. >> wait, just stop for a second. you carry around a guitar case. >> yeah, i do. >> even are you embarrassed about being a cat whisperer. you just want people to think are you in a -- >> but lala's cat didn't get the message and continued to defiantly hunt birds. >> since no outside mediator could bring peace, there was one last option. >> cat whition perer there is only one way to end this conflict. they have to talk it out. cat, bird, you have to talk this out. we'll be back. >> oh, come on, are you kidding me? the bird didn't even want to make a deal. he just takes off, just flew

a what. why didn't you stay with him. >> it wasn't a talking thing -- >> what did you say to him? why did he take off? >> and so sadly the war rages on

>> my guest tonight, comedian and agenter denis leary, fx returns for its final season this wednesday. >> listen, you have really great legs. >> uh-huh. >> really. >> yes, really. and they are just kind of -- >> what 1234. >> curley.

>> what? >> what are you talking about. >> they also look, they look great on a man. >> okay. i've been around long enough to know that's not where you girls, you didn't start talking about my legs just all of a sudden. >> jon: please welcome back to the program denis leary. (cheers and applause) >> hi [bleep] (cheers and applause) are we going to stand. >> i will sit down. >> you know that you are an -- you can write a book, [bleep] let's go, let's do this. >> by the way, it's petri, congressional medal of honor. >> did you look that up. >> you called him petry like he is rob petry. >> not when a retape it.

>> [bleep] do it right. >> but you try to pass yourself off as this big political, you know, hot show daily everybody comes to your show every day to find out smart information. the truth is the point of reference is the dick van dyke show, monty python. >> jon is not read a single one of these books. he doesn't read my books. he doesn't even read the real books. the information is passed to him by all the smart women who work backstage. (cheers and applause) >> tell me, tell me. >> what! what do you want? >> jon: how are things in the world of fake fire fighting? (laughter) >> --. >> jon: i heard are you going to the smithsonian s that true, your character going to the smithsonian, is that true. >> my character is being inducted into the smithsonian institute on thursday. >> jon: why? why is that happening? >> jon, this is the same question i am going to ask the smithsonian people on thursday. >> jon: how do they let you know, you just get a letter, this is a fund-raising scam, how much money does it cost

you. >> you get -- listen if i could have paid my way into the smithsonian i would have done it years ago. you can't. they just put you in. i don't know how it happened. i done even know -- i think they actually think it is dafoe. they think dafoe plays the guy so when i get there on thursday they will get a good look and go way wait a minute, we thought you were the platoon guy and -- but i don't know how it happens. but we're going in there. >> jon: what are you going to donate, do you have to donate something? >> they ask for something so it is tommy gaffein's helmut and bunker jacket is going in. >> jon: did you tell them you bargain with them or just all right, like what did you -- >> you know, what do you say to the smithsonian, you say okay. >> jon: i say you give me that you give me [bleep] archie bunker's chair. you don't just hand it over. what kind of a schmuck are you. >> that is what the jewish guy does, you bargain. (applause) within the irish just goes like really, i'm going in.

i get a trip to washington? >> jon: can we drink on the bus. >> exactly. >> jon: you know what, honestly, one of the things -- >> my cocreate certificate going too, one of the first things we said is let's get a list of the ted kennedy, the bars he used to go to and go on a ted kennedy tour because we're low rent irish. >> jon: do you think he used to go to -- when he was on this show, god rest his soul, before he passed away. >> he came on this show. >> jon: he stlutly did. he brought me the little ducklings book for my kids. go back to see him in the green room, this is true, he is back there, pants on, but he's in the green room digging through that little gift basket and he finds the vodka because you know we put vodka in there and he literally does this, when i walk in, this is what i see. (laughter) >> jon: but it -- it was like a cartoon. he just looked up and went yeah! >> and you know why he made that sound. >> jon: no. >> because i know the vodka you give away on this show. because i've been here many

times. let me finish, let me finish, i want to say something, jon gives away the potato vodka, isn't it, potato based vodka. >> we give away whatever people give to us give away. >> here is the thing. >> i'm middleman. >> okay, potato based vodka and the thing for irish guys is we are always amazed. we can't believe that we had potato as for years we didn't invented potato vod gentleman -- vodka so when we found out it, every time we see it we're like whoa! ma, ma! this used to be potatoes. (laughter) >> then the famine would have had a whole different element to it we're out-of-food and booze, god dammit what are we going to do. i got to admit, as a group man i think when i find potato vodka i think was about 20 years ago, when i found out about it took me years -- i don't think i'm over it yet. >> jon: usually you let stuff fall. >> i do. but potato based alcohol,

that's pretty big. >> jon: we're done,. >> this is the last season, it starts --. >> jon: you finished it like five years ago and now you're just airing it. didn't you come on like two years ago and are like we just finished airing -- >> a year ago. >> jon: two years ago. >> a year ago. >> jon: but you held on to it fine wine. you wanted to age the show. >> i wanted to ride that baby as long as i could. listen, i didn't know i was going to get spiderman. i am going to ride that into the ground. >> jon: is that why it happened. >> i got spiderman so i quit rescue me. >> jon: you got spiderman. >> that will make a great movie franchise. you can't catch the premier of rescue me wednesday on 10:00 on fx this is the final season. >> this is it, baby. >> jon: what are you, seriously like [bleep] tellee savalas all of a sudden. >> yeah, with hair. >> jon: you can also see denis learing and friends on the thinning the herd tour. >> oh, that's right, i'm on tour. >> jon: wednesday night at -- >> you can read this why

can't you reads one of tease books when they come out. >> and at the these never new jersey july 15th. denis leary. (cheers and applause)

>> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. kid rock is going to be here. here is your moment of zen. >> the defense is sloppy and these could have been asked the first three times they called him to the stand.